I had a secret. I kept this secret for 18 years. I told no-one, just disappeared as a person in my own right and became the woman my partner expected and demanded me to be. Who am I?

I met this man in 1985 while I was at university. At the time I was experiencing social anxiety and shyness, feelings new to me, unexplored and so unresolved. This left me vulnerable to an abusive man with mental problems of his own.

My story is a drop in the deluge of family violence stories. As is well known, in Australia on average, one woman a week is murdered at the hands of an intimate partner. Statistically, with only 1 per cent of abusers seeking help to change, that leaves 99 per cent to continue to abuse, believing it is acceptable to grossly contravene the basic human rights to be loved and feel safe in partner relationships. Statistics reveal that one in four males engage in controlling, often physically violent behaviours. Men are indeed abused by female partners, but abuse by men against women far outweighs the reverse.

Prevention, it stands to reason, must have a positive flow-on effect for victims, their families, society in general and local, state and federal governments which are putting funding into an issue that has reached crisis proportions: more than one woman a week being murdered by their partner, more victims and their children experiencing homelessness, and more people requiring health interventions because of the needless violence perpetrated against them.

The consensus among domestic violence workers is that increases in funding might be effectively employed regarding prevention of family abuse, rather than just spending the money on supporting the abused after the abuse has occurred (though this is crucial too of course).

Focusing on preventative measures will motivate a person considering a relationship with an abuser not to do so, or for a person already in an abusive relationship to leave early, thus significantly reducing the trauma.

Preventative strategies are at the forefront of organisations’ thinking and practice in Tasmania. One of these organisations is Engender Equality, which is using available funding, among other things, to create programs such as Advocates for Change and wholesale surveying of victims, enabling them to tell their story and have a voice. The general public’s knowledge of domestic violence is on the increase. Focusing on preventative measures will motivate a person considering a relationship with an abuser not to do so, or for a person already in an abusive relationship to leave early, thus significantly reducing the trauma.

The killings are increasing, as if it isn’t a big enough crisis when one woman a week is dying needlessly! If the prevailing powers don’t treat this as an emergency, then on-the-ground services have to do something to stem the catastrophic flow of deaths. By increasing knowledge of the crucial warning signs that indicate someone may be with an abuser, and the typical personality traits of a perpetrator, an intimate partner is more readily exposed as a person with a predilection to abuse. To a person considering a relationship with such an individual this exposure is important and may reflect what they do next.

Finally, knowledge of the many forms domestic violence takes, (not just the more obvious signs of physical and sexual abuse) results in the victim finding it harder to excuse or misinterpret behaviour as something less critical than it really is. I began a destructive relationship with an abuser in my young adult years. If I’d been made aware of the signs (as mentioned in the paragraph directly above), the brainwashing component abusers use to “groom” a victim and the need for absolute control of said person, I would have been in a better position to identify that I was being abused.

The greater the number identifying such abuse, the greater the reduction of violent incidents and unhealthy relationships. In my case being forewarned would have meant being forearmed and I might not have fallen into the abusive relationship I remained in for 18 years.

Deborah Thomson moved to Tasmania with her daughter in 2010, and now lives with her partner of nine years and a parrot.

She moved to escape domestic violence and, inspired by her new partner, wrote her first book, Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, to help others recognise abuse (and in particular coercive control), in the home, and to increase their motivation to leave earlier. 

After publishing her first book, she became a trained advocate through Engender Equality, a non-government Tasmanian organisation working with people and communities impacted by family violence. Deborah Thomson advocates for survivors of family violence, speaking at domestic violence events across Tasmania, through media channels and podcasts.

She recently completed a second book, detailing lived experience with domestic violence by her then husband, spanning 17 years from 1985 to 2003. This book is now used in Tasmania as an information resource for family violence counsellors and students.

Visit the homepage for Deborah's column, The Family Violence Epidemic here.