It is the perpetrator’s choice to abuse, and generally they will not stop the coercive control while still in a relationship with their victim. Rarely do abusers change after the relationship has dissolved either.I have discussed coercive control in this column before, but I would like to elaborate on this subject as each Australian state considers criminalising coercive control.
In 2004, Tasmania was the first state to criminalise some aspects of coercive control, namely emotional abuse, intimidation and financial abuse in the context of family violence. The act covers former and current partners and does not require victims to prove harm.
Despite the legislation being in place for many years, however, there has been only a handful of successful convictions as coercive control by its nature is difficult to prove and often lacking evidence to back allegations. It is therefore difficult to prosecute.
Since the punitive approach is not always implemented with a successful outcome, social services would rather resources go to frontline services, particularly women’s legal services, and primary prevention and early intervention measures, rather than to judicial systems where few cases in court result in a charge against perpetrators.
Regardless of the majority of social service workers asking for government focus on increased resources rather than going down the criminalisation of coercive control route, the federal Minister for Social Services, Tanya Plibersek, has stated (on ABC's Insiders on June 29, 2025) that her government is seeking for all Australian states to be in alignment in legislation criminalising coercive control.
In relation to Tasmanian coercive control law, while some argue for the recently legislated Queensland type of charges against coercive control, as mentioned most service workers want resources put into primary prevention and early intervention measures such as long-term education and in the immediate short-term increased funding for frontline and crisis services for victims of coercive control.
On a personal note, I was with my abuser from 1985 to 2003. We married in 1988 and had three daughters. I left with the children in 2003, but the abuser’s level of control did not abate, it just changed in the way he continued his control over us.
The relationship was from the beginning dominated by his control and manipulation. In hindsight I can see that but at the time the subtle nature of his abuse made it difficult to put my finger on. As I wrote in my book about the nature of the relationship, “It may seem odd that at the onset of his (physical) abuse I could leave relatively easily but chose to remain. That I stayed ... was by virtue of Wayne’s (* pseudonym) indoctrination that he gained complete control of my thoughts and actions. His conditioning resulted in my total acquiescence ... The constant mental manipulation (we now know as coercive control) and physical intimidation on his part stymied my leaving.
“His brainwashing caused me to believe that staying was the best and only option available to me at the time. (His coercive control) manipulated me to where I justified Wayne’s* behaviour to myself.
“Because self-deception is often a primary causal factor in an abused person’s decision to stay, it is imperative that outside professional help is sought as quickly as possible into an abusive relationship to clarify what is really happening between persecutor and victim.”
. . .
The first signs of Wayne’s* abuse were:
Pressure for exclusive commitment, wanting me to move in with him soon after we became a couple. He’d say, “It will be the end of us if you don’t move in with me now.”
Unreasonable jealousy. He would constantly check on me, turning up at my place without notice, and daily interrogations – where I’d been, who I saw. He couched his behaviours under the guise of being so in love he wanted to spend most of his time with me, hated not being with me, etc.
Establishment of control early in the relationship, expecting me to ask for permission to go somewhere or do something.
Psychological abuse – a form of manipulation where he assigned responsibility on me to make him happy, to dress as he suggested and to converse on topics he was interested in only, to such a degree I quickly lost sense of reality and the ability to discern acceptable from non-acceptable behaviour. I then began to accept his abusive behaviour as normal; my fault and my role to fix.
Unrealistic expectations – I must meet his needs, mine were irrelevant. I was supposed to live my life for the purpose of fulfilling his idea of the perfect woman, ie, always look my best, be available whenever he wanted, obey and wait on him; never have my own opinions, never argue back. Any requests I made were seen as demands and “nagging”, and so were shut down immediately.
Hypercriticism on his part was part of the unrealistic expectations; putting me down so I’d try harder. He’d say “I love you, BUT ... ”
Quickly in the relationship he isolated me from my friends and family and I was “allowed” to talk only to his friends and family. I was excluded from talking to anyone who might question his behaviour toward me. Isolation meant being with him more where he’d take the opportunity to ignore or belittle me and I was expected to communicate with him on his terms only.
He reinforced my belief that I was at fault for any glitch in the relationship by refusing to admit any fault on his part. He convinced me through mental manipulation that I was solely at blame, that I “made” him abuse me (the word abuse was not in his vocabulary, he was merely keeping me in line), and it was my responsibility only to change. It was me, not him, that made him angry. He’d say, “I wouldn’t act this way if you didn’t ... ”
He’d use guilt to shape and control my behaviour. He’d dictate the way I felt and withdraw affection if I didn’t act the way he wanted.
He’d control my actions according to his mood swings, from anger to calm and vice-versa in minutes. When calm he’d deny abuse or diminish its import, and this made me increasingly doubt my perception and sanity.
He’d regularly use threats of violence to control my behaviour. He’d say, “I’ll shoot you if you don’t ... ” then argue that he didn’t mean it. Often, he’d say, “If you don’t do ... I will ... ”
. . .
I have included my lived experience of coercive control hoping readers may recognise Wayne’s* behaviours as similar to their abuser’s, therefore relatable. Recognising this subtle abuse allows for better comprehend of the truth – that you are not responsible or to blame for the abuser’s actions. Nor can you “fix” the abuser.
It is the perpetrator’s choice to abuse, and generally they will not stop the coercive control while still in a relationship with their victim. Rarely do abusers change after the relationship has dissolved either.
Enlist outside support to determine what is really happening between abuser and abused and begin to take steps to remove yourself from the environment where coercive control exists.
Deborah Thomson moved to Tasmania with her daughter in 2010, and now lives with her partner of nine years and a parrot. She moved to escape domestic violence and, inspired by her new partner, wrote her first book, Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, to help others recognise abuse (and in particular coercive control), in the home, and to increase their motivation to leave earlier. After publishing her first book, she became a trained advocate through Engender Equality, a non-government Tasmanian organisation working with people and communities impacted by family violence. Deborah Thomson advocates for survivors of family violence, speaking at domestic violence events across Tasmania, through media channels and podcasts. She recently completed a second book, detailing lived experience with domestic violence by her then husband, spanning 17 years from 1985 to 2003. This book is now used in Tasmania as an information resource for family violence counsellors and students on practicals.
