There was no name for coercive control when I lived with my abuser. Lately, this subject has been the topic of public discussion; we can name it, but can we recognise it in our own or others’ relationships?
If you haven’t heard the term abusive control before, it’s like being controlled by someone else to the point of your mind being so conditioned that you can’t think for yourself anymore. I thought I was in love, but I was being controlled, which I know now. However, like myself in youth, young people embarking on possibly their first intimate relationship, may not see coercive control in their partner’s behaviour nor understand the ramifications of exposure to this form of abuse.
Despite a huge focus on family and partner abuse now, many, in particular young adults who lack the hindsight of lived experience of abuse (thankfully), do not know the signs to look for, signs that may indicate one’s intimate partner is an abuser, or has a predilection to abuse.
This control may not end up as physical abuse, but it is just as serious. In my case, his violence was hidden to outsiders. No one talked about partner abuse; it was something kept secret within family homes. No one else’s business. This too often applies to modern society.
I met “Wayne” in the 1980s. Straight away he made me feel like I was the most interesting, unique person he’d ever met, and he gave me the love and attention I thought I needed. No one else had ever treated me like that and I thought he was my answer to happiness.
Within a week of us going together, Wayne began to treat me differently and I fell into very unfamiliar territory, never knowing what he’d say next, unable to make out his mood swings nor understand his arguing with me over nothing and his refusal to discuss this behaviour.
My attempts to discuss issues with him he called nagging. Or he’d say I was imagining what he’d done to me. Even though he was making me crazy I accepted his behaviour because I believed he was a rational man so had good reason to behave the way he did towards me. He often told me I caused him, no matter how violent, to lash out to my so-called back chat. He was a master manipulator and so, I adapted, and I blamed myself for his assaults. I became more determined to fix him so we could have the life together he told me was possible when I first met him.
. . .
My story happened decades ago but is applicable today, as people victimised in their own personal relationships discover. Young adults’ brains haven’t fully developed so they are less able to formulate what is really happening between abused and abuser in a relationship, nor recognise where coercive control is exerted to condition a victim’s behaviour.
Fortunately, there are signs to look for in such a partnership. Although the abusive behaviours may be subtle, they become quite obvious once a victim or those around the victim, understand coercive control and the forms it takes in intimate partnerships. The circumstances in which such control occurs will differ, however the behaviours are fairly typical across the demographics, therefore reasonably easy to spot once you are aware of what coercive control looks like.
I speak as a “book” for the Launceston and Hobart Living Library, talking to senior secondary students. I talk about my personal experience to educate listeners on recognising coercive control should it be present in a relationship, and to encourage discussion that is supportive and informative.
As part of my speaking to students, I present a quick reference checklist, clarifying behaviours to look for that indicate the presence of coercive control.
Ask yourself if your partner:
Says they care, but sometimes it feels too much. Are their actions caring … or controlling?
Seems to like me for who I am?
Is happy that I make my own decisions about my life.
Is fine with me having my own opinions and voicing them in conversation.
Tries to work out arguments by compromising or talking.
Is happy for me to be with friends, without them there.
Or does your partner:
Try to stop me from spending time with my friends or family.
Not let me talk to others when we’re with friends.
Check up on what I do, where I go, or who I’ve been talking to.
Try to stop me from spending time with my friends or family.
Make me feel like I have to watch what I do or say.
Put me down or humiliate me when we’re alone or in front of others.
Pressure, force or trick me into doing sexual things that I don’t want to do.
Act in ways that have scared or hurt me.
Has threatened to hurt me or kill him/herself if I leave.
Make me feel scared to disagree or to say no to things.
(These questions are from the 2009 quiz Is It Love or Control? Love The Good the Bad and the Ugly Advice and Stories, used as a reference tool by family violence service Engender Equality.)
Here are some things to look for in others when you are out with them, that may indicate they are being controlled by their partner:
In social settings, they act differently when they are with their partner than when they’re without them. For instance, with the partner they’re quiet, withdrawn, down, looking over their shoulder to see where their partner is, but the opposite when they’re out alone.
The partner puts their girlfriend/boyfriend down in company or dismisses their opinions, then says it was just joke if someone pulls them up for what they said; humiliates the partner in front of others and doesn’t care about the hurt they might inflict.
If your friend is out alone and they get constant texts from their partner checking up on where they are, who they’re with etc.
If a friend is always dropped off and picked up by their partner and never allowed to find their own way out or back home, even though they can drive themselves. (The partner is doing this to monitor the other’s movements)
Restricting a person’s access to money – giving them a limit on how much they can spend when they’re out or a budget they have to stick to.
In front of friends, the abuser is always the one to tell their partner where they are going when they go out, how long they’re staying out etc.
Being jealous and suspicious of others’ friends when they are out together.
Monitoring the partner’s movements when they are out together; one partner is not allowed to dance with anyone else, talk to others for too long, has to stay by their partner’s side.
Your friend suddenly doesn’t go out with his/her friends anymore; they make excuses all the time as to why they can’t go out that just don’t seem legitimate.
. . .
The above behaviours in a cluster may indicate abuse and control are occurring in the relationship. If you are concerned for yourself or another after reading the above points, please seek professional support to clarify whether abuse is present or not. Contact details can be found below.
In conclusion, it is important to note that I was so conditioned to live my life through him and for him to where I was purely an extension of him, I was afraid of the unknown outside of the family. I was so brain-washed that I didn’t know I was being abused. I felt that I was at fault for his behaviour so tried to fix the abuse and the abuser.
I do not want others to experience a similar state of mind, a mentality that may prevent a victim from seeking outside support quickly into the abusive relationship.
The takeaway from what I have written:
Abusers choose to abuse.
It is never your fault for being victimised and abused.
Regardless of what an abuser tells you to excuse his abuse towards you (for example: they love you so much, you make them behave the way they do, it’s your responsibility to fix the relationship or make them happy, they acted inappropriately and hurtfully because they were stressed, overworked, drunk, etc), such words are just that: excuses.
The real drivers of abuse are inequality between the genders and an abuser’s need for power and control over another. All other factors exacerbate abuse but do not cause it.
I’d like to share, with her permission, my youngest daughter’s thoughts on the impact abuse had on her.
“I have so many memories that will stay with me for the rest of my life. What I will never forget is the constant state of fear I felt during my childhood. Not simply fear for my safety, or the safety of my mother and siblings, but a fear that was all around me and almost visible. That life and environment was all I knew.
“I didn’t have much contact outside the family, but I urge other young people if you are scared or uncomfortable, to tell someone you trust, like a teacher or a friend. Talking and sharing is hard, and you’re never quite sure how someone will react, but speaking about the experience and the trauma that domestic abuse inflicts is the only way to find the right support and leave.”
If you have any concerns after reading the above piece, kids helpline online services is available www.kidshelpline.com.au/child-services/here-to-help. Or phone 1800 551 800. Their motto is “no problem is too big or too small”. You can stay anonymous. The service is for people aged five to 25.
Lifeline: 1800 98 44 34, 8am and 8pm, seven days a week.
Lifeline Australia: 13 11 14, crisis support, suicide prevention.
https://www.lifeline.org.au
Respect: 1800 737 732. This is a 24-hour national sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling line for anyone.
Deborah Thomson moved to Tasmania with her daughter in 2010, and now lives with her partner of nine years and a parrot. She moved to escape domestic violence and, inspired by her new partner, wrote her first book, Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, to help others recognise abuse (and in particular coercive control), in the home, and to increase their motivation to leave earlier. After publishing her first book, she became a trained advocate through Engender Equality, a non-government Tasmanian organisation working with people and communities impacted by family violence. Deborah Thomson advocates for survivors of family violence, speaking at domestic violence events across Tasmania, through media channels and podcasts. She recently completed a second book, detailing lived experience with domestic violence by her then husband, spanning 17 years from 1985 to 2003. This book is now used in Tasmania as an information resource for family violence counsellors and students on practicals.
