I was susceptible and vulnerable throughout my abusive relationship, yet at the same time intractable. Outsiders in a supportive capacity should be aware of this frame of mind before they judge a victim for their reluctance to disclose the abuse, charge a perpetrator or leave the abuser. Instructing a victim to take a certain cause of action may fall flat because:
- The victim has been exposed to coercive control to such an extent that they can not think for themselves or are extremely confused.
- Is not ready to act, is extremely fearful of angering their abuser or think that certain actions taken may put them in danger. Therefore, doing the opposite – keeping quiet or remaining with the perpetrator – will, they mistakenly believe, ensure their safety and survival.
Avoid demanding or telling a client what they must do as this may remind them of their abuser’s tactics. This has the adverse effect of intimidating, further victimising and retraumatising the person you are there to support. (Naturally this may not apply in every circumstance. It may be a crisis where the victim and their children are in immediate danger or at increased risk of serious harm by the abuser. Direct action is essential in this circumstance).
As I have said in previous articles, I stayed with the abuser for so long because I held fast to the unwillingness to reveal my secret life, due mainly to the acute shame I felt for keeping his abusive actions to myself. I was also afraid of the unknown; perhaps losing my children to their father, an inability to afford food and shelter for my children once we’d left, and possible family judgement and condemnation for staying so long.
For these reasons I did not seek help from social services until late into the abusive relationship when it became impossible to remain with the abuser without serious risk to my and my children’s safety. I was frightened to leave and feared for our safety, so organisations had to intervene, calling for direct action, removing the children and me to a safe house.
Staff at the refuge used trauma-informed counselling and helped me understand that the longer one remains with an abuser, the greater the trauma for both victim parent and children and the harder it is to fully recover mentally from family violence – or as I like to call it, domestic terrorism. Domestic violence services and legal teams working with victim clients in a trauma-informed way, with an awareness of a victim’s thinking processes, can assist their client proactively. I have experienced this first-hand.
I would hope that any legal representative takes into consideration the length of time a victim has been in an abusive relationship and how long-term abuse colours how that victim thinks and acts, and their level of cooperation with the legal process. I’d say that on average it takes seven episodes of abuse before a victim takes definitive steps to leave. Victims/survivors who are trying to build a life free from violence are navigating complex and demanding systems at the same time as dealing with extreme personal impacts on health, finances and living. Finding the time and space to recover from abusive relationships while dealing with these pressures is very difficult, not to mention the crippling shame most women feel throughout the relationship and after leaving the abuser. Support services must take this into account when working with victims of abuse.
I now understand that the shame I felt, and the belief that his violence must remain a secret, are mistaken. When counsellors and lawyers work with victims’ shame, they become useful allies, not just people making assumptions of knowing best what a victim needs. Trauma-informed practice means listening to the client, considering their unique experiences, and advising and strategising accordingly – a tailor-made response geared to supporting the victim in the best possible way.
When I left in 2003, I was barely able to cope with the legal processes, the legal appointments, and the many appearances at Magistrate’s Court for Domestic Violence Orders, and Family Law Court for six years of residence and access battles, instigated and continued by the abusive father as he sought custody of our three children. I needed a court liaison officer to support me through an unfamiliar, overwhelming, and thoroughly confusing process. Through talking to other parents in similar circumstances as I was, I see that I am not alone in needing such support.
Legal services in Tasmania (and I give a nod to the Women’s Legal Service in Hobart), have recently engaged in training relating to working with clients in a framework of trauma-informed practice. Services are dealing with people who have complex needs, are experiencing diverse forms of abuse with varying states of response to said domestic and family violence, and who come from diverse backgrounds, cultures and socio-economic levels. Therefore, individuals require individual support. Overlaying this is a trauma-informed practice that as mentioned, ensures a client’s needs are well met while accepting that each person is coming from a set of circumstances personal to themselves.
As discussion continues and training is more frequently incorporated into an organisation’s approach to support, the more victims are encouraged to disclose their abuse and seek support from the outside, and positive outcomes are assured.
Deborah Thomson moved to Tasmania with her daughter in 2010, and now lives with her partner of nine years and a parrot. She moved to escape domestic violence and, inspired by her new partner, wrote her first book, Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, to help others recognise abuse (and in particular coercive control), in the home, and to increase their motivation to leave earlier. After publishing her first book, she became a trained advocate through Engender Equality, a non-government Tasmanian organisation working with people and communities impacted by family violence. Deborah Thomson advocates for survivors of family violence, speaking at domestic violence events across Tasmania, through media channels and podcasts. She recently completed a second book, detailing lived experience with domestic violence by her then husband, spanning 17 years from 1985 to 2003. This book is now used in Tasmania as an information resource for family violence counsellors and students on practicals.
